The strange phenomenon of gay men supporting Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education bill”
Spoiler alert: this time it is not about self-hatred, it is about preserving personal gains
Our community’s leadership clearly failed us in its campaign, or lack thereof, to prevent Florida’s HB 1557, the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill, from passing in the first place (noted: we started pressuring politicians and businesses in early February). It is one of the most insidious homophobic attacks we have faced and will have long-lasting consequences including internationally. But our leadership failed us even more so in not communicating properly to our own community and its allies the reasons why LGBT inclusion in elementary schools’ curriculum matters.
Since the law passed I heard some gay men describe HB 1557 as “reasonable” and our community’s outrage as another example of the unbridled “wokeness” which place us at risk for losing the upcoming mid-term elections. One of them, a man without children, explained to me, a father of two 3rd grade pupils, that he would not want his hypothetical children to be taught about “gay stuff” by anybody but himself. Another suggested that the “Parental Rights in Education bill” deserves a nuanced debate beyond partisan lines (there was a debate, it was partisan and ultimately some of our basic rights were removed).
It is surprising. There may have been some black resistance to school desegregation in the 19950s for various reasons but never based on the argument that the presence of black kids would be damaging to white kids.
There will not be an LGBT damage-free generation until we are portrayed in elementary schools’ curriculum. Period. Being represented in elementary schools is a question of stopping the mental health epidemic we have faced for centuries. In the United States, we have difficulties re-centering the discussion of LGBT issues on human rights principles and away from the technicalities of trans participation in sports or medical care but a crucial point is that LGBT children have rights too. These include the right to equality, health, education and protection from discrimination. HB 1557 is in clear violation with these principles.
While children remain a taboo topic in our community because we were so often unfairly portrayed as pedophiles in the past, a significant segment of us indicate realizing their sexual orientation or gender identity at a very early age — sometimes 4 or 5.
I often joke in speaking engagements, that when I would stumble as a child on the “La Redoute” or “Les Trois Suisses” mail order catalogue, I would go directly to the male underwear section to look at men’s bodies. People laugh. Because they often went to the same section for the sex they were interested in. The children’s “innocence” that Senator Baxley’s acolytes spoke so passionately about preserving on the State Senate floor, resides somewhere else than in a lack of curiosity, it is the capacity of children to embrace their intuition as natural until they are told otherwise.
The American Psychiatric Association may unilaterally have decided that “For most people, sexual orientation emerges in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience.” (July 18, 2011 — American Psychological Association). But they have been wrong in the past. Many times. Most studies, usually limited in scope because it remains a taboo, actually show that children realize their same-sex attraction or non-conforming gender identity at an early age.
Now the gay men who told me about what is “reasonable” or not in elementary school, are themselves survivors of homophobia. They recovered, to some extent, from its scars. Give or take for some of us a “best little boy in the world” syndrome which translates into some level of narcissism, perfect abdominal muscles or an obsession with the bathroom fixtures in our vacation home as the Velvet Rage hints (see below). They had some level of privilege, loving and accepting parents, an education, and later professional success, which made them forget the loneliness of their childhood. They might not be conscious of it but they are the part of the handful who got away. Not as much by their strength of character or their genius, but just plain luck. They are also reaping the benefits of social acceptance LGBT people before them sowed at a great personal cost as well as admittedly their own courage in coming out. The importance of that legacy underpins our moral obligation to continue this fight. It is easier to fight to create a place for oneself under the sun, than once one is safe.
The trauma of having to lie to your parents, to your teachers or to your priest, about something so essential about yourself - who you are attracted to - is irreversible damage. Something we work hard to deny in portraying ourselves as resilient successful people in a society which ironically hates its victims.
In Lee Badgett’s seminal book on the cost of homophobia, titled the economic case for LGBT equality, I am quoted as “seeing another side of gay life on Facebook. [I] received news of friends lost to liver disease, suicides, addiction, or accident.”. I am not saying this lightly: my Facebook is a gay graveyard. Last year two activists, Monica Boll and Mark Glaze killed themselves. I can think of countless others premature LGBT deaths: the artist Brian Petro, the local politician Desi Deschaines, multiple friends who died of complications from HIV. A few days ago, Eric Pope was another DCist who died a tragic early death. So many of my Radical Faeries friends (look at the dates — talk about short life expectancy).
And for all those who do not die early, how many carry the baggage of a childhood of secrecy, isolation, shame, and lack of self-worth. Something that was never as well as articulated as in “The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World” an influential 2005 book by Alan Downs, a clinical psychologist, which I continue to give away to young LGBTQ+ people I meet. It is as a survival toolkit for the dating shark tank of homophobia survivors.
How different our lives would be if we had been told at an early age that it is ok to be attracted to other men or to identify with a different gender. That we are worthy. That we are lovable. I know I would probably still live in my country, I would be in a loving relationship, I would have saved the price of a home in psychological care copays, and I would be having lunch with my childhood friends instead of writing this. I have no regret, because it made for an interesting life, but growing up in a homophobic society f*cked me up. Walking back from shame to pride has been a lifelong journey.
My children are in 3rd grade. I cannot even fathom letting them struggle alone with the feeling of shame and worthlessness I grew up with. How cruel are these straight parents that would rather have their children agonize alone at night in their beds, praying to God to wake up a different child, in order to preserve their own comfort and hang on to concepts of “appropriateness”. As a father, I truly cannot understand it.
Love is appropriate, embracing your children is appropriate, turning a blind eye on their suffering is inhumane.
My sons have been around LGBT people all their lives. They met countless trans people, some who stayed overnight with us in Connecticut, and they took it as self-evident that difference is courage. As illustrated by this picture of one of my sons, they stand with the real “wonder women”. Without any unjustified pride, I can say that they are the most well-adjusted boys you can imagine, speaking freely about attraction and debating gender expression in their children words. People who claim this is no content for children are just projecting their own fears. Their parents similarly vehemently justified desegregation.
As people who read my newsletter know, I am all about being strategic and bipartisan but LGBT curriculum in elementary school is not negotiable. And when we regain a decent authoritative LGBT leadership, we must push for a funded federal mandate for an LGBT curriculum in elementary school. If trees are in children books, LGBT people should be too. There is no more parental right to censor the existence of LGBTQ people than there is to control the reality of «trees» in what is portrayed at school.
Ultimately, when you scratch the surface, gay men who support “Don’t Say Gay” are often concerned with preserving our personal gains. While 16% of LGBT people (22% of lesbians) voted for Marine Le Pen in France (according to Tetu) trading their own rights to cater to their islamophobia, we might be trading LGBT children’s well being for our own benefit. Andrew Sullivan, who agrees that the bill is one of the most vicious homophobic attack we have faced in the recent past, ultimately blamed it on “trans extremism”. Ben Appel wrote a piece today on how oppressed he is by trans activism and yet was nowhere to be seen when HB 1557 was debated.
It comes back to another key book which should be mandator reading fort all LGBTQ+ people, “The trouble with normal” by Michael Warner. Some of those that lash out at inclusion in primary education or trans activism today, worked so hard to get society to perceive them as normal, that they see our mingling in education and trans “radicalism” as threats to our newfound respectability. Our common obsession with normalcy comes back to bite us as Warner predicted.
As lesbian, gay and bisexual people, if we are ready to let our fears of trans people get in the way of providing relief to the millions of children who struggle alone with their sexual orientation and gender identify, we have lost our ways. Phyllis Lyon, Harry Hay, Larry Kramer must be crying in gay heaven.